Words: Del Read
Photos: Tom Clare,
Ant Mitchell.
Mollie Walker
& Del Read
Del Read
https://delkayaks.co.uk
@del_likes_kayaking
Tom Clare
www.facebook.com/tomclaremedia
@tomclaremedia
Dealing with anxiety in kayaking
Anxiety was the theme for this year’s World Mental Health Week. When I saw the word anxiety, I knew I wanted to write a blog article about anxiety and kayaking. Kayaking on white water is always going to involve some feeling of nervousness. You are under pressure to execute your skills with the knowledge that if you do not, there is the potential for unpleasant consequences. Being anxious is a very understandable response to paddling on white water.
However, it is also a sport that can lead to high anxiety levels when it is not always understandable. I am talking about the anxiety that seems to come out of the blue yet can completely paralyse you. For me, this is the anxiety that appears in situations that, in theory, you should be completely comfortable in.
Local rivers you have run dozens of times before, play spots that you know are safe to practice in, and rapids that you could run backwards with your eyes closed and still be fine. It’s the anxiety that no one wants to discuss because it just doesn’t make sense. In this article, I am going to talk about it. I will mainly be talking about my own experiences.
What is anxiety, and when does it become a problem?
Heart racing, stomach-turning, hands shaking, lightheaded, and sick, looking for an escape route. Those are some common anxiety symptoms; most of us will be familiar with these feelings. You may have experienced them before sitting an exam, delivering a speech or before the start of a race. It is normal to feel this way as it is your body’s way of preparing for a ‘fight or flight’ when put in a dangerous situation.
Oxygenated blood is diverted away from the things deemed unimportant and instead prioritised to the places where it is needed most. Sitting above a rapid and feeling this way is standard. It is how your body is helping you to ‘survive’ the impending danger.
When these feelings become a permanant part of paddling and maybe even lead you to change your decision-making – this is when it has potentially become a problem. If you feel this way long before you get on the river or it stops you from going kayaking altogether, then it may be worth taking a step back and working out what makes you feel this way.
Anxiety – my personal experience
This is what I have done. Over the last few years, my kayaking skills have continued to improve. I am a significantly more skilful and more experienced kayaker than I was five years ago. Yet in that time, the last two years primarily, I have struggled more and more with my head game. I have much higher levels of anxiety around kayaking than I ever used to, and this is the single biggest thing holding me back in my kayaking right now.
If I had to break down where this anxiety comes from, three reoccurring reasons would come to mind.
1. Performance anxiety
Like many other people, I dislike being watched when paddling. I often paddle worse with an audience than alone because it makes me nervous. A while back, I wrote an article about perfectionism, which links strongly with this. Someone with perfectionist tendencies will often fear people catching them failing and then judging them for it.
But failing and being judged for failing is not what’s happening. In reality, the only way you can learn is through failure. In reality, most people are far too preoccupied with themselves to even notice you. In reality, even if people do watch you and you do mess up, nobody cares. I know this, and yet it does not stop the anxiety around the fear of failure being any less overwhelming.
2. Imposter syndrome
This one ties very closely with performance anxiety and affects me a lot. Imposter syndrome is when you have a distorted perception of yourself and believe that you are a fraud in some way, and it is only a matter of time before everyone else finds out. In kayaking, this can make you feel very anxious about getting on the water and stop you from pushing yourself. The better I have got at kayaking, the worse my imposter syndrome has got.
I have a reputation for being loud and enthusiastic on the water and social media. Over the last few years, I have started to have people come up to me on the river or at kayaking events who I do not know but who know me. Mostly, I do not mind this – I love talking to people! Especially about kayaking! However, I often worry that people will assume I am better than I am and then be disappointed. I know it is ridiculous and probably untrue, but I worry.
Last year I bumped (quite literally – knocked him off a wave) into a guy at the Tryweryn who introduced himself. We had a lovely chat, and he said he followed my Instagram page. He said that following the professional paddlers was great, but sometimes watching their videos were boring because they were so good. He said he liked my account because seeing videos and photos that weren’t ‘perfect paddling’ was nice. It made me realise that no one cared or expected me to be the ‘best paddler’. I was anxious about being ‘found out’, and yet there was nothing for anyone to find out.
3. Overthinking EVERYTHING
This last one, I think, sums up the leading cause of anxiety for me. Sometimes you give a thought some thought even when you shouldn’t. What was one anxious thought then becomes a whole stream of them! This can then build something up from something small into a bigger problem. I won’t go into specifics here as it can apply to anything. I am trying to point out that building something up in your head is an unhelpful and infuriating habit. It also leads to high anxiety levels, which can be hard to back down. Unfortunately for me, overthinking is a skill that I excel in!
Solutions?
I haven’t got all the answers, but there are some things I actively try to do to improve my anxiety. I thought I would share them with you here.
1. Work with a professional
A coach or a therapist can make a world of difference to your head game. Talk to someone about how you are feeling. Try to identify exactly what it is that is causing you anxiety and work with that professional in this area. Paddling is as much a mental sport as a physical one; a good coach knows this. Putting your trust into a professional’s hands can allow you to explore your ‘wibble wobble zone’* without feeling like you are losing control.
* I am sure there is a more professional term for this. I am referring to the process of pushing you outside of your comfort zone but still within your capabilities so that you can improve in the areas you have identified to work on.
2. Paddle with friends and paddle for fun
The best decision I could have made was to make the rule that I would paddle for fun. I was at a point where I was putting so much pressure on myself to perform on the water that I wasn’t even enjoying myself. Enjoying your time on the water is the best thing you can do! I am now in a place where I enjoy paddling again because I am doing it for fun. I paddle various crafts with as many people as possible and have found my love for white water again. My anxiety has reduced somewhat, and I am gaining back my confidence in a kayak. You can read more about this one here.
3. Just do it
Sometimes the best decision is to stop thinking and decide. Last year I was debating about whether to book a EuroOpen ticket. EuroOpen is a fun freestyle-focused paddling event held at HPP at the end of summer. I wasn’t feeling confident in a playboat at HPP and didn’t know if I should go. Ultimately, I was too busy to (over)think about it, so I just booked a ticket anyway. I turned up on the weekend, and there was no time to overthink. So I geared up, got on and just paddled.
I then had one of the best weekends of paddling ever. I was fine in my playboat and must have rolled it a dozen times during my freestyle heat. Someone even said to me after there were so impressed with my roles. I competed in every event and had an absolute blast. I ended the weekend with many wonderful memories and even won two medals! (One for freestyle kayaking and one for white water SUP). The video above is from the inflatable race. It struck me that if I had allowed myself more time to overthink, I might have talked myself out of going altogether and would have missed out on such an incredible weekend.
I am not saying I don’t think things through which need thinking – a rapid which pushed your skillset to its limit, for example. I am saying, stop overthinking things that even you know are overthinking!
Final words
Anxiety is a huge barrier to many people, and everyone affected will feel it differently. This article has been very much about my own experiences with anxiety. I suspect those experiences will resonate with some but will also be very different from what others may face. If you struggle with anxiety, on or off the water, don’t be afraid to ask for help or talk about it. I used to think everyone felt this way, and it was only through talking that I realised that most people don’t. That then helped me to try and find ways to help myself to deal with the anxiety better. Please get in touch if you want to talk. And, as always, happy paddling!
